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REAL NEWSPAPER ADS:

1.) FREE JACK RUSSELL TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
2.) FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
3.) FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
4.) FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
5.) FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat.  Been out awhile. Better be
a reward.
6.) COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED...Also 1 gay bull for sale.
7.) NORDIC TRACK: $300 hardly used, call Chubby.
8.) GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
9.) JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
10.) WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
AND...
11.) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica - 45
volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No
longer needed, got  married last month. Wife knows everything.
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 A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win"
 sticker on her coffee cup.

 So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motor home!

 I've won a motor home!"

 The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
 Lunch.?"

 But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a
 motor home!"

 Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
 mistaken.
 You couldn't have possibly won a motor home because we didn't have that as
 a
 prize.

 The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motor home!"

 And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...


 (Scroll down!!)










 (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)














 "W I N A B A G E L"
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more  important to me.  Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When arrived  home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping  away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.  I was gone only a few minutes.  When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish  cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."  The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Observations of Life

Notes to God click here

I feel terrible about my neighbor. He would take a box of Cheerios, set them up on each fencepost and shoot them to smithereens with his .22 rifle. The cops hauled him off because someone turned him in...as a cereal killer.
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I took long strides to save my $20 shoes, but in so doing, I split my $40 pants. All seriousness aside, I weighed 700 pounds in high school. I was walking in downtown Poulsbo in my bright yellow pants when I dropped my wallet. I bent over to pick it up, and my pants split. Four kids got in - they thought I was a school bus.
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A father heard that his daughter became engaged to her boyfriend. The father decided to have a chat with the young man.
FATHER: Son, what are your goals and pursuits?
BOY: Sir, I am a Bible scholar. I will pray and God will reveal His plans for my life.
FATHER: What are your educational plans for you and my daughter?
BOY: Prayer will answer that in time.
FATHER: How do you intend to provide for my daughter?
BOY: Not to worry. God will reveal it.
FATHER: What about children? How will you prepare for them and help them meet their goals?
BOY: More prayer. More revelation from God.
After his talk, the father's buddy asked him how things went in his talk with his future son-in-law.
FATHER: Not so good. The boy has no job, no plans and he thinks I'm God!
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Guy bought a new fridge for his house.   To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.   He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:  "Fridge for sale  $50."  The next day someone stole it.

Caution! These people Vote.

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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.   She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I  don't keep up with that stuff."

She ALSO votes!

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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.   One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

He ALSO votes!

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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.   She keeps it in the trunk. . ..

My sister ALSO votes!

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.   My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

My friend ALSO votes!

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.   So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?". . .

SHE ALSO votes
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"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name." --Paula Poundstone

How they kept time in Bible days: NOTE: RIGHT click and select "Open in new window": right click here
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Pilot says to Joseph of Arimathea, "You want to put Jesus in that tomb? That's a mighty expensive tomb, and you want to put a common criminal in it for all of eternity? What's up with that?"

Joseph replies, "I just need it for the weekend."  --Thanks to Jim Dempsey

Bumper Stickers

A baseball fanatic had an "out of body" experience, was clinically dead, then revived in the hospital and told everyone he had gone to heaven and returned. His baseball buddy eagerly came to visit him asking, "I just want to know - is there baseball in heaven?"

His bedridden buddy answered, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is yes, there is baseball in heaven. The bad news is that you are starting pitcher this Saturday night!"
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Mary said to Joseph: "Here it is January already, and I'm still putting the year "0" on my checks!"
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Roundtable Marksman? "Naw, I've got 4 notches on my gun and 1 toe on my foot!"
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Tattoo of the year:

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