The 12 Opossums
You must read these observations on the Bible.
They come from a lady
in Oregon.
One of my favorite
jobs has been leading junior church. We try to
do
more than baby sit our church's beloved little
ankle-biters during their
time in our special junior church facility.
We aim to give them
a solid background in Biblical history.
At the end of each
year, we give them pencils and paper and ask
them to chronicle what they have learned. This
assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing
responses.
In case you're
a little foggy on your Biblical history, let
our junior church students help you with
their complete overview of the Bible,
compiled from their essays:
In the
beginning, which occurred near the start,
there was nothing but
God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,
"The Lord thy God is one," but
I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway God
said, "Give me a light!" and someone did.
Then God made the world. He split the Adam
and made Eve.
Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
embarrassed because mirrors
hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve
disobeyed God by eating one bad
apple, so they were driven from the Garden
of Eden. I'm not sure what they
were driven in though, because they didn't
have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his
brother as long as he was
Abel.
Pretty soon all of the
early people died off, except for Methuselah,
who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next
important people was Noah, who was a good guy; but
one of his kids was kind of a ham.
Noah built a large boat and put his family and some
animals on it. He asked
some other people to join him, but they said they
would have to take a rain
check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was
more famous than
his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his
birthmark in exchange for
some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph, who
wore a really loud sports
coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real
name was Charlton
Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and
away from the evil
Pharaoh, after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's
people. These plagues
included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights
every day with manicotti.
Then He gave them His
top ten commandments. These include don't lie,
cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom
(The Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I'm not
supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when
he talks about the President).
Oh, yeah, I just
thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy
mother.
One of Moses' best
helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to
use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and
the fence fell over on
the town.
After Joshua came
David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about
300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was
wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there
were a bunch of major league prophets. One of
these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale
and then barfed up on the
shore. There were also some minor league prophets,
but I guess we don't have
to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament.
Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born
in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a
barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,
"Close the door, was you born in a barn?") It
would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was."
During His life, Jesus
had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus.
Judas was so evil that they named a terrible
vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and
even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and
all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the
Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He
just washed his hands instead.
Anyway Jesus died for
our sins, then came back to life again. He went
up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of
Revolution.
There! Now you understand it, the whole Bible, I
mean. Don't you?
